my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
