my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
