Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
