theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
