Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dick very happy bro
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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