The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
