She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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