He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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