i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
