I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
