I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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