My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
