Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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