My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
