Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
