I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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