You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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