My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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