He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
