I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
