I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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