Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
