I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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