so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
