My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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