i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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