she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
