i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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