Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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