and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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