just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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