Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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