were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
