I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
