I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
