great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
