Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My feet surprised me
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