i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
