I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
