Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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