she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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