she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
