New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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