so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
