My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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