I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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