I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
