she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
