i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
