meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
