I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
