The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i love accidental penises.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
