theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
