Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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