textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize