Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
