i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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